Same old story, different day…

Not too very much has changed since  I last updated May 10…not even my weight. Well ok, it HAS but not very much. Since 5/10, I went down 1.4, then another 1.8, so really I only went down 1.4 since I GAINED 1.8 before. SO depressing. This week, I GAINED .2, making that a total loss of 1.2 since 5/10…even more depressing. I’ve been in a pretty terrible slump, and I just keep eating myself further into it. Wednesday after the initial shock and horror wore off, I ordered a medium italian Capriottis sub, a decent size bag of Herr’s BBQ chips, and managed to eat half of that sub and the ENTIRE bag of chips to myself. I then decided it’d be a good idea to order a pint of shrimp fried rice and ate about 3/4 of that as well. Mind you, I HAVE TO DRIVE to pick these things up. That means getting up off of the couch and actually getting in my car and LEAVING THE HOUSE. Crazy, I know. That night we went to a Phillies game where I devoured a hot dog, some fries, and a mango water ice.

Yesterday I started out the day decent with a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats With Almonds, and then it all went down hill for lunch… I had the other half of my sub that should have been thrown away, plus a Smart Ones frozen entree…then for dinner I made some whole wheat spaghetti with grilled chicken breast and Light alfredo sauce…and had three bowls. Three fucking bowls. BIG bowls too. What is wrong with me? I NEVER eat this way. Even when I was super over weight I did not eat that way. I was in such a horrible mood the entire day that I just couldn’t give a fuck less about what I was eating or why. As if eating all of this terrible food wasn’t enough, I also have not pooped. At all.

That’s a lie, because I did go this morning, but it was not nearly worth being called a bowel movement. So that means that an entire Capriottis sub, a whole bag of Herrs BBQ potato chips, 3 bowls of whole grain pasta and chicken, a smart ones entree, a ball park hotdog and fries, some shrimp fried rice, honey bunches of oats, and whatever else I managed to stuff into my face the last two days are all just sitting inside of me. What the fuck is up with that? I used to go 2-3 times a day, all very regular sized portions. And come to think of it, I was also losing weight. Now I MIGHT go once a day, MAYBE, and it’s rarely enough to be considered decent. So what is happening? I eat tons of prunes, drink lots of water, have a coffee every morning, eat nothing but whole grains and healthy foods (um, aside from all that bullshit I just mentioned), but I am no longer regular. Now, it could be from eating the unhealthy foods from time to time that just stop me up but I’m just surmising.

Other than the lack of weight loss, the horrible eating, and the never ending depression due to all of this, I am also in a MOUND of credit card debt right now. Which really is only about 1900 bucks, but it’s still enough to make me want to die. I did all of this spending in less than 3 weeks. Kill me now. I don’t know what is happening with me but it is very safe to say that I am slowly losing my mind and I don’t know how to stop it. I have noone really to talk to all of this about either which makes it even more depressing and lonely. My boyfriend is a great supporter, but he’s always just saying “It’s all going to work itself out, it’s all going to be okay..” Which is nice, and it usually works, but right now it’s NOT okay and right now it’s NOT working itself out. To top that off my best friend Brittany is slowly but surely having a mental breakdown and her entire life is consumed by that and I just can’t get a word in edgewise about my own problems without having her one up them with hers. Can’t I just feel fat for once without her trying to minimize it by telling me how fat she thinks she is? (by the way she weighs 6 lbs less than me…)  I love Brittany, and she’s my best friend in the world, but lately I just can’t really talk to her without feeling like my problems don’t really matter…

So for now I’ve succumbed to sharing my deepest, darkest, saddest moments with a computer screen and the thousands of people on WordPress.

Let’s hope the next time I update things are a bit more positive…


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