It’s all Worth it

All the pointing, tracking, worrying, monthly payments, admittedly-sometimes-depriving, guilt trips, frustration, anger, fear, and resentment at times is all worth it. Finally. For the last year I have struggled so many times. I’ve faltered on numerous occasions. I have made dozens of excuses, and a handful of empty promises to myself. But through all of that I did it! I succeeded in losing most weeks, I became a runner for the first time in my life, I’ve gone from a size 18-20 to a 10-12. Even with ALL of the self doubt and the surety that I was NOT progressing, it happened.
We had our engagement shoot yesterday. And for anyone that may know me, you know that the one thing I fear more than Oompa Loompas is having my picture taken. I despise it really. Unless of course I’m taking it myself at the absolutely right angle with all of the photoshopping and filters a y disposal. So naturally I was truly nervous about how this would turn out. I had wanted to wait for the spring to have these taken so that I’d have time to lose more weight. But our wedding is in Autumn, and the leaves are so gorgeous right now that I knew the engagement shoot had to be in Autumn too, and plus I could cover up unlike with a spring session.
I made the make up appointment, made sure Joey had a decent outfit picked out, got pumpkins, a new leash and collar for Bobbie (obviously our baby had to be in a few!), and Joey even carved a heart into one of the pumpkins. I fretted over what kind of paint to get for the pumpkins, literally working myself into a nervous sweat. I agonized over whether or not I should wear gloves because I didn’t know if it would look like I had fat hands or not if I did wear them. It was a nightmare. I threatened to call it off at least twice the day of. I really hate having my picture taken!
We headed up to Ridley Creek State Park in Pennsylvania, which is absolutely frickin gorgeous by the way. There’s this FABULOUS stone mansion there and it has the best landscape ever. I’d never been there before but I trusted our amazing photographer and was totally excited…for the scenery. We got there pretty early so we could let the dog chase around the leaves and pine cones, and so that I could paint the numbers of our wedding date on the pumpkins (9 20). I even ran around some to warm up because it was FREEZING. I practiced my smile 100 times in any reflection I could find, and then Ron showed up. I kept nervously laughing at everything and then it began. First he started shooting the pumpkins, which I was happy to let him take a million of so as long as it meant I had more time to prepare myself. And then it was our turn. I wasn’t sure if my bangs were crooked or if my double chin was showing. I kept laughing like a crazy person. I thought my calves were too big. I literally was going over every ridiculous detail of my body over and over again.
We started walking around the place and Ron would tell us to do certain poses, and we would. And then wed also be our silly normal selves and start laughing when he’d say “Now Joey look into her eyes”. At one point Ron even told us that the best photos so far were when we were just doing our own thing, and for the rest of the time he pretty much just let us do what we wanted which I loved.
He let us know after it was over that he’d post a few photos in a few day and he’d have the rest in about two weeks. And then this morning I had three requests to be tagged in photos of Ron’s. I couldn’t look at them for at least an hour. Finally around 5:30am I got up the courage to face them.
I was blown away. Two out of the three actually had our faces in them, the other one had our hands and the heart carved pumpkin. The two photos with our faces just absolutely floored me. Not because I thought I looked earth shatteringly gorgeous or anything, which lets just face it I did lol, but because I didn’t hate them! I really really loved them. I couldn’t believe it.
From the beginning of this whole engagement and wedding planning I’ve been dreading photos. I was convinced I’d hate these and if I hated these I’d hate my wedding photos and itd all be for nothing. And not because I don’t trust our photographer but just because I’ve never ever ever liked a photo of me, at least not in the last 6 years. Which was when I started putting on weight.
Now that I love this little sneak preview so much I know I will love the rest, and I no longer am afraid of our wedding photos! I am so excited!

Here’s a little preview for you guys:

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Everything was worth it for these pictures. Not only are these some of the most important photos of my life, but they’re 100x more enjoyable because they’re with the man I get to marry and the fact that I want to show them to the world is amazing. He will love any photo of us ever, and any photo of me is a masterpiece in his eyes. Even ones where my eyes are half open and I’ve got a mouthful of food, I know he thinks I’m gorgeous. I wanted to love these so much for him and it added more pressure on me because I knew if I didn’t like what I looked like then noone could see them and that’s just selfish of me because I knew he’d want to. We have a few photos of us hanging in our house now and they’re from when we first started dating. They’re mostly all from this one day when we were trapped in a snow storm in his little apartment. My mom has every picture from that day because she uploaded them to her laptop like a little sneaker! (She’s done that ever since I’ve owned a camera and will surprise me with them at the most embarrassing moments…like in a slideshow at my college graduation party) anyways, I love those pictures of us because they just captured how in love we were and how new we were. I didn’t care what angle they were taken from or how stupid we looked. They weren’t meant to be gorgeous.
These photos were. But they still capture just how in love we are and how much we care about each other. Can you even tell how nervous I am, or that I’m thinking about how bad they would be? Probably not because once he started snapping away all of my worries kind of dissipated. Because Joey was there whispering silly thing between shots like “You look like you have a finger in your butt” and “How mad do you think Bobbie is right now that she’s locked in the car?” And “I hope that kid falls in the fountain”. I knew he was just trying to ease my nerves and make me feel better.
I can’t wait to marry him!

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