WARNING: This post is all about how much I hate my life and myself.
I have been working since I was 15. I’ve been in school since I was 3. 21 years of my life have been dedicated to school/work/growing…and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere. Sure, it’s awesome that I’ve lost 66 lbs. But I should have never gained the 90 lbs to begin with. Sure, I have an associates degree and working on my paralegal certificate. But I’ve been in college for 5 fucking years. I’ve been nannying or what feels like forever…and every single day all I think about is what an awesome fucking parent I’m going to be, but only to spite all of the horrible parenting I am forced to be observant of.
I am miserable. I am absolutely 100% miserable.
There’s not one single reason, but a 1,000. I don’t know how to become happy. I don’t know how to stay happy. I have moments where I feel like everything is together. I yearn for things to look forward to…only to be disappointed once I get to them. Which brings me to my biggest fear of late: My Wedding. I’m so terribly looking forward to it that I’m terrified I’m going to be madly disappointed once it does come. My pictures are going to suck because I’m not going to lose enough weight to feel beautiful. Someone’s not going to show up. Someone’s going to leave ridiculously early, offending everyone. But basically it all boils down to knowing that I’m probably not going to be satisfied. Instead of focusing on all of the things that WILL go right…I know I’m going to pick apart all the things that went wrong.
Why am I such an unhappy person? Why do I only focus on the negative?
Is this why I have zero friends? My one true best friend and I have the same thoughts on just about everything…and I’m pretty sure we’re coming to the conclusion that WE are in fact the crazy ones…and not everyone else like we would like to believe.
I avoid writing in here because this is all I want to do lately, or ever: Complain. That is my life. That is literally ALL THAT I DO. I just wish I knew why and how to stop.Why can’t I walk into a room and not immediately judge what everyone is wearing? Why can’t I focus on all of the awesome stuff I’ve accomplished, instead of all of the things I haven’t? Why does it seem like I will never be satisfied with anything? Why am I such a horribly negative bitch?
I try to make it seem like I love my life and everything about it. And honestly, there are days…weeks even, that I truly do. But then there are LOTS and LOTS of days that I feel the opposite.
I’m so unbelievably happy with Joey. And I know he is entirely happy with me. Our relationship is definitely NOT my source of unhappiness. And a lot of times the only thing making me happy. But outside of our happiness I am lonely. So very lonely. My only best friend moved several hours away from me. Everyone else has kids or lives that make their time more important than being my friend. I’m even starting to feel that way about my own mother. Everytime I call she has no time to speak…and if she does it’s to complain about how shitty her life is.
I’m getting married in 7 months. And as happy as that should be making me…it’s only adding to the gigantic ball of stress that is my life. Not because I don’t want to be married, but because I am tired of trying to force people to be excited about it to actually do something about it. When I wanted to look at venues my parents only made time to look at ONE with me. I’ve always envisioned that I would be doing all of this wedding stuff WITH MY MOM. But we haven’t done a single thing together yet…and she seems way too busy to ever even talk about it with me. She’s had my save the dates that LITERALLY only need to be addressed for MONTHS. She even has ALL of the address in her computer, and all she has to do is hit PRINT and stick the envelopes in. I don’t think she’s even picked them up yet. We’re wedding dress shopping this weekend and I mostly just feel like I’m forcing everyone to do it with me. That may not even be the case. But that’s how I feel.
Her time is too important right now to be spent trying to help me plan the most important day of my life. My friend is too far to do these things with me. And everyone else…I don’t even know. No one picks up the phone when I call. And what’s sad is I ALWAYS know they’re not going to, yet I call anyway. It feels wrong to even be wedding dress shopping this weekend. How can I get excited about something that feels like its an inconvenience others? All I can think about is how everyone else would rather be spending their Saturday in different ways…in any way than spending it with me.
I can’t even continue writing this right now.