It’s all Worth it

All the pointing, tracking, worrying, monthly payments, admittedly-sometimes-depriving, guilt trips, frustration, anger, fear, and resentment at times is all worth it. Finally. For the last year I have struggled so many times. I’ve faltered on numerous occasions. I have made dozens of excuses, and a handful of empty promises to myself. But through all of that I did it! I succeeded in losing most weeks, I became a runner for the first time in my life, I’ve gone from a size 18-20 to a 10-12. Even with ALL of the self doubt and the surety that I was NOT progressing, it happened.
We had our engagement shoot yesterday. And for anyone that may know me, you know that the one thing I fear more than Oompa Loompas is having my picture taken. I despise it really. Unless of course I’m taking it myself at the absolutely right angle with all of the photoshopping and filters a y disposal. So naturally I was truly nervous about how this would turn out. I had wanted to wait for the spring to have these taken so that I’d have time to lose more weight. But our wedding is in Autumn, and the leaves are so gorgeous right now that I knew the engagement shoot had to be in Autumn too, and plus I could cover up unlike with a spring session.
I made the make up appointment, made sure Joey had a decent outfit picked out, got pumpkins, a new leash and collar for Bobbie (obviously our baby had to be in a few!), and Joey even carved a heart into one of the pumpkins. I fretted over what kind of paint to get for the pumpkins, literally working myself into a nervous sweat. I agonized over whether or not I should wear gloves because I didn’t know if it would look like I had fat hands or not if I did wear them. It was a nightmare. I threatened to call it off at least twice the day of. I really hate having my picture taken!
We headed up to Ridley Creek State Park in Pennsylvania, which is absolutely frickin gorgeous by the way. There’s this FABULOUS stone mansion there and it has the best landscape ever. I’d never been there before but I trusted our amazing photographer and was totally excited…for the scenery. We got there pretty early so we could let the dog chase around the leaves and pine cones, and so that I could paint the numbers of our wedding date on the pumpkins (9 20). I even ran around some to warm up because it was FREEZING. I practiced my smile 100 times in any reflection I could find, and then Ron showed up. I kept nervously laughing at everything and then it began. First he started shooting the pumpkins, which I was happy to let him take a million of so as long as it meant I had more time to prepare myself. And then it was our turn. I wasn’t sure if my bangs were crooked or if my double chin was showing. I kept laughing like a crazy person. I thought my calves were too big. I literally was going over every ridiculous detail of my body over and over again.
We started walking around the place and Ron would tell us to do certain poses, and we would. And then wed also be our silly normal selves and start laughing when he’d say “Now Joey look into her eyes”. At one point Ron even told us that the best photos so far were when we were just doing our own thing, and for the rest of the time he pretty much just let us do what we wanted which I loved.
He let us know after it was over that he’d post a few photos in a few day and he’d have the rest in about two weeks. And then this morning I had three requests to be tagged in photos of Ron’s. I couldn’t look at them for at least an hour. Finally around 5:30am I got up the courage to face them.
I was blown away. Two out of the three actually had our faces in them, the other one had our hands and the heart carved pumpkin. The two photos with our faces just absolutely floored me. Not because I thought I looked earth shatteringly gorgeous or anything, which lets just face it I did lol, but because I didn’t hate them! I really really loved them. I couldn’t believe it.
From the beginning of this whole engagement and wedding planning I’ve been dreading photos. I was convinced I’d hate these and if I hated these I’d hate my wedding photos and itd all be for nothing. And not because I don’t trust our photographer but just because I’ve never ever ever liked a photo of me, at least not in the last 6 years. Which was when I started putting on weight.
Now that I love this little sneak preview so much I know I will love the rest, and I no longer am afraid of our wedding photos! I am so excited!

Here’s a little preview for you guys:

Everything was worth it for these pictures. Not only are these some of the most important photos of my life, but they’re 100x more enjoyable because they’re with the man I get to marry and the fact that I want to show them to the world is amazing. He will love any photo of us ever, and any photo of me is a masterpiece in his eyes. Even ones where my eyes are half open and I’ve got a mouthful of food, I know he thinks I’m gorgeous. I wanted to love these so much for him and it added more pressure on me because I knew if I didn’t like what I looked like then noone could see them and that’s just selfish of me because I knew he’d want to. We have a few photos of us hanging in our house now and they’re from when we first started dating. They’re mostly all from this one day when we were trapped in a snow storm in his little apartment. My mom has every picture from that day because she uploaded them to her laptop like a little sneaker! (She’s done that ever since I’ve owned a camera and will surprise me with them at the most embarrassing moments…like in a slideshow at my college graduation party) anyways, I love those pictures of us because they just captured how in love we were and how new we were. I didn’t care what angle they were taken from or how stupid we looked. They weren’t meant to be gorgeous.
These photos were. But they still capture just how in love we are and how much we care about each other. Can you even tell how nervous I am, or that I’m thinking about how bad they would be? Probably not because once he started snapping away all of my worries kind of dissipated. Because Joey was there whispering silly thing between shots like “You look like you have a finger in your butt” and “How mad do you think Bobbie is right now that she’s locked in the car?” And “I hope that kid falls in the fountain”. I knew he was just trying to ease my nerves and make me feel better.
I can’t wait to marry him!

Well, well, well…we meet again.

It has officially been 2 months, and 1 week since my last blog post. Crazy? I bet you think that I’ve got a plethora of bad news awaiting you…but you’re wrong! I actually have fantastical news.

Since June I’ve only gone down 1 pound. However, I also put on about ten pounds…and with in the last two weeks I’ve managed to lose all of my gained weight and am officially at the lowest I have been in a very, very long time. I went through a decent hiatus from Weight Watchers, which I am not proud to admit, but it was much needed. However, I was in denial the entire time about it and can only just now admit it now that I’m back in the groove of things. The truth is, when I started running back in March I expected to lose a TON of weight right away. But, the only way I was going to do that was if I was also eating right, which I wasn’t. I THOUGHT I was, but truthfully what I was doing was eating just about whatever I wanted, not pointing it, and assuming that because I was running that it wouldn’t matter. Well, it DID. The only thing that matters now is that I have gotten back into my groove, and I am happy.

More good news: I’M ENGAGED! YES, THAT’S RIGHT. SOMEONE WANTS TO MARRY MY FAT ASS. Just kidding. About the fat part. But yes yes yes, Joey proposed (I’m not totally sure if I’ve mentioned him before, but he’s my boyfriend turned fiance who I’ve been living with for the last year and a half, and we’ve been together almost two years).

The Proposal: We were on vacation in Ocean City, Maryland for the week back in July, and I had a feeling he was going to ask so I was VERY excited all week long. During our week there, we were going to be celebrating something a little silly. We have this picture of us together, from before we were dating and before I ever knew I would even be willing to date Joey. (Long story short, I WAS DEFINITELY NOT INTO HIM at first, but he grew on me ;) ) Anyways, this picture was taken on July 24, 2010, and we packed the same clothes we were wearing in the picture, and planned to wear them on that day. Also, Joey had planned for us to go see fireworks that night on the beach, so I was definitely thinking it was going to happen. After a day of fun, we headed to the beach with our two good friends, Brittany and Adam (not a couple), who were with us for the week, and set up on the beach right before the fireworks. When the fireworks began Joey walked me closer, and Brittany and Adam slyly walked away from us…and I KNEW. A few minutes into the show, Joe thought it was time for the finale, and told me he had a question to ask me. He pulled out a GORGEOUS diamond and got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. I instinctively reached for the ring and just said “YES YES YES!”. He said I was shaking and crying but I can’t remember that at all. I barely remember anything I was so excited! So, after a few phone calls, we all started towards the boardwalk for celebratory ice creams and Joey and I got a caricature done to commemorate the evening. We headed back to the beach house and popped a bottle of champies and it was so so so fun. Now, we are planning out our wedding and have started looking at venues and it’s just such an awesome feeling that I don’t even care about food! Sike, yes I do. But I’ve got a wedding to look good for! :)

Hopefully I will start posting more from now on and can update you all on both my weight loss, and my wedding plans :)